I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
