just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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