You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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