How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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