just tell him i said nine months
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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