i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
