Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We had to coat check the pizza.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
