New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
