Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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