the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
