awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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