My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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