she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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