Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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