i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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