So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
