Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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