I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You took a bar mat shot.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
