Dual....:-)
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize