when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
