I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
