chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
