I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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