No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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