I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize