Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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