I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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