Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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