I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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