You smell like stripper and shame
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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