before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
