it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
