Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
