wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
