p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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