when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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