and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize