Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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