Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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