He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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