I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
