You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
