sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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