I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
