you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
