HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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