his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
