I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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