The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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