3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
