Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
