Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
