did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
