My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
