I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
