I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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