just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
