please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
