have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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