Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
