As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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