Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
That's when you crack a 10am beer
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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