I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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