just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
