I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
